My Story in a Nutshell

By Dena Brehm

Yes, indeedy, we live in an amazing day of awakening, do we not? I'm becoming aware of all that God has done, in Christ, who we all are, in Christ, and what He's fulfilled ... I tell you, I've never been so excited to read the Bible, and to see it all fall into place...! It's making sense in places that I previously had to dismiss, due to seeming discrepancies... it's all in the timeline. Just astonishing. How did I miss what I'm now seeing! Therein lies the power of tradition.

I'm from Oregon, originally -- born to a law school student who had to pay back his ROTC debt, which morphed into a full 30 years as a JAG officer in the army... so, I got to see the world, including most of the USA, Japan and Europe, before settling down with my NY Jewish husband, whom I met when Dad was at The Pentagon (the infamous wing that later got hit in 9/11).

I was bulimic from 18- 39, and severely so ... traveled the world looking for solutions, trying the best the world and church had to offer, but it all fell short (being surface-oriented, and never went to the root). In the meantime, I got married (he was supposed to save me from myself), and had a slew of miraculous babies (too think to menstruate, much less conceive, much less deliver big, healthy 9 lb babies!). I had 6 babies while bulimic. My husband, meanwhile, dealt with a miserable wife, who felt like I'd committed the unforgivable sin, and who endured shame-based counseling and deliverance, and even exorcism, to no avail (not to mention 6 inpatient treatment centers). I was not a happy camper, and I dampened all of our lives. I was a believer, since the age of 15, but certainly was enslaved to my addiction. During this mess, my husband, Mark, who was a follower of Jesus, went to seminary, was ordained, and served in our charismatic/liturgical/evangelical church in the capacity of "assistant pastor" (doing everything but presiding over the Eucharist).

I discovered Theophostic prayer in 2000, and Jesus used it to set me free, within minutes. He showed me the lies I believed, replaced them (Himself) with Truth, and voila -- I was a free woman. Our church never acknowledged my healing though, since I'd gone "outside their covering" to get healed. Theophostic, they declared, was either a gimmick, or perhaps the work of the enemy, and I was forbade to ever mention it to anyone in the church. When I could not keep quiet (Jesus had healed me!), I was labeled a "Jezebel", and my husband was warned to keep me under control (as if!). I did my best, but something in me started to shrivel and die, even as something else in me began to emerge and blossom ...!

Our marriage during the bulimic years was abysmal. No, beyond that. He controlled me, trying to keep me from killing myself, and I rebelled. He became the "daddy" and I became the bad little girl, and our relationship became parental/child. Thus, sex became incestuous in my mind... I had used sex to snag him (sex was a tool to make men love me), and then had quickly turned frigid, after the wedding (this is SUCH a common issue among women, only the church doesn't allow discussion about sex!). After I was healed of bulimia, I still despised sex, and would give in, but with gritted teeth and fantasies about unloading the dishwasher to get me through it...! My husband, who loved and desired me, was miserable, and felt utterly rejected (for this is how God designed men to feel accepted). I told a man with a normal, healthy (God-given) drive, that he was a pervert for not being able to rise above his desires for me (I thought, in my deception, that I was making him more holy - egads!). But, since he wasn't signing up for celibacy, I began to pray that God would enable me to tolerate sex, and my husband... for, in order to avoid all sex, I had to withdraw all affection, so that he wouldn't react. We had baby #7 after the healing of bulimia ... and then 2 miscarriages, which were utterly devastating to me! I then used my husband, in trying to get pregnant again -- and finally had to repent of that, and to make myself available to him... I realized that in saying, "this is MY body, and I'll do with it what I want", I was echoing the sentiments of women who justify having abortions... my body was meant FOR my husband, and his for me, and I knew I had to get with the program of how God sees His gift of sex ... and I asked Him to change me, for years.

Well, one day, He did just that ... using the principles of Theophostic, He showed me the lies I believed about sex (i.e., that "good Christian women don't like it", that "married couples shouldn't enjoy it too much", that "sex is really only for procreation", etc.), and then replaced them with His truth... which BLEW me away! Without going into details (you're welcome!), let's just say that the next two years made our honeymoon pale by comparison...! I could not get enough of my man, and he initially thought my body had been invaded by an alien! During that time, I stumbled upon a wonderful Christian website called The Marriage Bed ... I devoured the articles, and discovered that I wasn't sinning in my desire for my husband, but that it was God's plan for marriage...! Wowzers! Then I found their discussion forum, and went to town, sharing my new testimony! I posted with abandon, sharing how bad it had been, what God had done, and how good it now was, and I made some wonderful friends -- the fellowship was fabulous.

During that time, Mark and I were becoming more and more alarmed at the heavy-handed legalism and abuse going on within our church leadership (as insiders we saw things that were sickening). We tried to meet with the pastor and his wife, but they had "no time" to do so, and refused. We wanted healing for everyone in the church, including them. We then went to the bishop, who oversaw the diocese. He began an investigation, and we waited, happy to focus on our renewed marriage! Meanwhile, our priest caught wind of the investigation, and sought to discredit our testimony against him ... he knew how I signed all of my emails ("Shalom, Dena"), and googled my signature line, hoping to find a website where I might be slandering him (thus discrediting me). Instead, he found all of my posts on The Marriage Bed ... must've thought he'd hit the mother lode! He (illegally) copied all of my posts there, and printed them out. A bishop's council was convened, and Mark was led to believe that it would be a formal hearing about the abuse charges. When he arrived, along with all the other clergy in the area, he soon realized that he'd been ambushed -- all of my posts were read, outloud, in front of all the other men, out of context, in a manner which was intended to paint me to be the "hussy from hell"... Mark was told that I was likely having affairs with other men, that I was out of control, that his house was out of order, and he was therefore unfit to be ordained. He was given a choice: either get me in line (which meant a long counseling and confession period of a year, followed by public repentance for my sins, and an eventual reinstatement, though with probation), or else he had to resign his ordination.

He was stunned, but asked, "what is her sin in desiring her own husband?" He chose me, and resigned. It was beyond-painful, but he knew that God had transformed me, and that we were living out Song of Solomon, not sinning...! Sure, my transparency, and comfort with my healed-sexuality may have been beyond the comfort zone of many, but I wasn't sinning. So, we left that church, and that denomination (not yet knowing that we'd left the entire IC). The next night, a meeting was held at our church, with all in attendance, but us. The priest, knowing that those people loved us, and were rejoicing in our marriage's healing, had to do something drastic. He announced, "Mark and Dena have committed sins so egregious that they cannot be uttered in public. In order to protect yourself from spiritual defilement, you must denounce and shun them, and if you do not do so, you too will be shunned." He had them all come up, one at a time, stand before him, and declare loyalty to him, agreeing to officially shun us, permanently. For the next year that we lived there, if anyone of them saw us in public (or any of our children), they would turn 180 degrees and walk away, silently. All of our children, for whom this had been their entire social circle, lost all of their friends overnight, without the opportunity to say good-bye.

It was both the most wrenching, and most liberating, thing that had ever happened to us..!

In the beginning, even as we were celebrating our healed marriage, we were reeling from the impact of the catapulting. One morning, while trying to read my Bible, I could only hear their voices, telling me what the verses meant (all fear-based renderings). I put it aside, crying out to God, saying, " I don't know what I believe any more! All I know is that You are the only God, and Jesus is the only Way to You! Beyond that, it's all suspect, because it came from them! Start me over -- show me what's of You, and what's of man, and I will not settle for less than Your Truth!" I didn't know what I was asking for -- all I knew was that I needed a foundation, after my former one had been yanked out from underneath me. But God answered that prayer -- has *been* answering that prayer for the last 4+ years, in ways that have blown me away...! One "sacred cow" after another has been tipped over, if not outright slaughtered. I've learned that I can question anything and everything -- that whatever is truth will withstand all manner of scrutiny, and if a thing cannot withstand scrutiny, it's not truth, and it should fall. I trust Him, He who IS Truth, and not what man teaches, or has taught -- not even if the man is revered, ordained, canonized, or enshrined. I trust Him who is within me, and not the doctrines and traditions of man... and I trust Him to lead me into all truth, as He promised to do. I do not fear this process, for I've learned to hear and follow His voice. I embrace and celebrate this journey.

It's been hard, challenging, and yes, I've lost relationships along the way. Many prefer the safety of tradition, the structure of rules, and my path looks threatening to them. I do not divide from anyone; I truly believe in all levels of reconciliation, but others have chosen to divide from me. I still love and bless them... and trust God to work it all out.

From that place of reeling, we came to see that the institution of the church had been skewed, and we came into house (or simple) church -- though we no longer see it as *the* answer... it's been a stepping stone of the journey. We fellowship with others in an extended-family setting, but without agenda or format -- just relationship with Him and each other, as He leads.

I've come to question many traditions that this skewed institution has taught, and I've studied the Bible without the interpretation of man... as much as I'm able (for traditions run deep in our psyche). I imagine that I'll be unlearning for the rest of my life...! How many paradigm-shifts can one woman endure...? I'll tell you on the other side (unless this sort of thing continues!).

I'm not saying that *I* have all the answers, but I'm not after truth as a concept to grasp -- I'm after Truth as a Person to know and love - Jesus. I'm in hot pursuit of Him, and I'll not settle for less that all that He is -- no counterfeit or facade will do!

Two years ago, after a 3rd miscarriage, and right before my 45th birthday, I gave birth to my 8th and final (yes, we made sure!) child... our Benjamin. And, I'm still passionate about my man, still chasing him around (he's so easy to catch!), and still enjoying The Marriage Bed (both the website, and what it represents!). In fact, the folks who run that site have become our best friends and neighbors...! God is SO lavish!